By: Lewis Allen, Director of Environments, Portland Design
Over the years, our in-house Agony Aunt team has received many entertaining requests for travel advice from our readers. Here are some of the more bizarre appeals that have crossed our team’s desk:
I flushed Girlfriend’s Cash Down the Toilet!
My girlfriend and I like to role play and do fantasy stuff together. Last week we pretended we were at the airport and going on a holiday. My girlfriend thinks I went too far with the fantasy because I flushed loads of her cash down the toilet to recreate the foreign exchange rate deals they give you at airports. In retaliation she cut off the water supply in our house and made me pay stupid prices for bottled water.
Do you think we’ve taken this game too far?
Joe King, Heathrow, UK.
We replied: Some fantasies can become nightmares. Next time you fantasise together we recommend you take the train instead – it’ll put less strain on your relationship and your wallet.
I am an Airport Zombie
Shock, horror! Whenever I go to my local airport I am transformed into a zombie by all this everyday ordinary stuff that’s around me. I wander around aimlessly just like people from that zombie apocalypse show ”The Walking Dead”. I swear that most of the other people around me are doing exactly the same thing. Is this normal?
Dave Deadman, Luton, UK
We replied: No. There’s no reason for you to be an airport zombie. Next time, just download some TV box sets and escape to a digital wonderland – preferably one with no zombies.
Help! I feel so confused by all the acronyms and jargon that we’re expected to know in this travel retail business. I worry that I’ll mix up my RFPs with my EOIs or my FIDs with my LODs. Last week I got so embarrassed in front of my boss, I was at LAX and nearly mistook an SSP for an OTG but realised just in time it was an HMS. What do you advise?
Poppy Cox, USA
We replied: Relax, it’s all BS.
Security Turns me On
My boyfriend thinks I’m weird. I used to dread undressing and unpacking my bags for security at the airport, but now I kind of look forward to it.
Truth is that the security search at my local airport has been getting so impressive lately. The security guys are really professional in a commanding and intimidating sort of way. They do a ravishingly intimate body pat down. And I find the lecherous caress of the body scan machine a real tease.
But I worry. Is it wrong to enjoy these salacious intrusions?
Domi Natrix, London, UK
We replied: A bit of what you fancy can do no harm. However, for some people travel safety isn’t a justification to strip away the dignity and respect that they receive in all other parts of their lives.
My Boyfriend is either Stupid or a Liar
I am 18 and my boyfriend is 22. I have been seeing him since last summer. We went on our first holiday together last month and that’s when the problems started. He insisted we buy stuff at the airport because it’s cheap and that they have ‘cool stuff’, he said. I realised later that he was either stupid or a liar because I can get cheaper and cooler stuff easily by buying online or at the mall. I love him so much but I feel let down because he betrayed my trust. Should I dump him?
Dinah Might, UAE
We replied: Show him the facts and help him understand you are right. Offer him the opportunity to apologise. If he doesn’t, then dump him pronto and move onto a relationship you can trust and that respects your intelligence.